How Christian men can respond biblically, calmly, and with strength
In a healthy relationship between a man and a woman, both have deep, God-given needs. Men long to feel respected, and women long to feel loved. Ephesians 5:33 points this out clearly: the husband must love his wife, and the wife must respect her husband. When either one stops receiving what they most need, the relationship begins to strain. When both stop giving what the other needs, that gap can quickly become a wedge that divides hearts. Recognizing that tension early is the first step toward healing it biblically.
Disrespect in relationships, especially when it fails to come from women, does not usually show up overnight. It develops over time when a woman starts to lose her Interest Level in a man. When that happens, she will display small, subtle, disrespectful behaviors towards her boyfriend or husband; at this early stage, they will often go unaddressed. The best predictor of open disrespect later is the quiet kind that shows up early, when it still has an excuse or a joke to hide behind. If you do not want a bigger problem on your hands later, you have to deal with it wisely and early. And wisely is the key word. Many men either overreact or do nothing at all. Scripture gives us a better way.
Recognizing the Process
Women often want to evaluate how much strength and backbone a man truly has, whether they’re dating him or married to him. To find out, she will test him—sometimes knowingly, sometimes not. It’s natural, and nearly every woman will instinctively do this from time to time.
Secular folks have often crassly dubbed this kind of respect test as “the s%@# test.” As a Christian, I will not refer to this as such, but the concept is real and valid both for believing and non-believing women in Christ.
Ladies will say little things to see how a man will respond. She will push buttons and boundaries to get what she hopes is a good reaction out of you. Respond with confidence, pose, and (often) humor, and they will see that they are talking to a man whom they deem worthy of respect. Respond poorly, and they will see you as a “low-value” man whom they disrespect (and lose even more interest in).
To help better visualize this type of respect test, think about how a bully operates. A bully does not usually start by throwing a punch. He starts by testing boundaries and seeing what he can get away with.
A classic example is a school bully who bumps into someone in the hallway by accident. He waits to see how the other person responds. If the guy immediately apologizes, looks down, or laughs it off, the bully thinks he can push him around. If the person meets his eyes and stands his ground calmly, the bully usually backs off. The test ends there.
The same is true for a woman “sizing” up a potential suitor for her. She will see if a backbone exists for a man this way. If he “passes,” then her Interest Level in him doesn’t drop, and it may even increase. A woman will continue to do this throughout a relationship, albeit infrequently. If her interest in a man slowly drops over time, she may bring up this respect test a little more often.
After a while, this respect test turns into a poor communication tool of expressing irritation, displeasure, and resentment towards the man. In these cases, since she may feel like she is “stuck” in a marriage with a man who lacks confidence, drive, ambition, not to mention any biblical leadership qualities, she will consciously or unconsciously display little bursts of blatant disrespect. There will be a sarcastic jab here. An eye roll there. A public comment meant to embarrass. These are emotional “bumps in the hallway” as a bully would do. If you constantly ignore or excuse them, you are quietly training her that disrespect has no consequence.
This this kind of behavior needs to be quelled. But keep in mind that it is not about trying to exert harsh control your wife or girlfriend. It is about refusing to surrender your God-given dignity. Ephesians 5 does not call men to dominate. It calls them to lead. Leadership means setting a healthy tone in your home or relationship and showing what love, respect, and maturity look like.
What Ephesians 5 Actually Teaches
Ephesians 5:22-33 paints a picture of marriage that reflects Christ and the Church. It calls wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives sacrificially.
Too many men only focus on the first part: “wives, submit to your husbands.” Paul’s main example is not of a boss barking orders. It is of Christ loving the Church, laying down His life for her, guiding her with holiness, and leading through service.
So when your wife or girlfriend shows disrespect, whether in words, tone, or attitude, you do not lash out. You do not yell, insult, or throw Scripture back at her. That is not leadership. That is immaturity.
A godly man responds like Christ: calm, steady, and unshaken.
You might say something like, “I love you, but the way you spoke to me just now was not respectful, and that is not how we should treat each other.” That one sentence, spoken firmly and without anger, communicates boundaries, self-control, and love all at once.
Remember Why Disrespect Happens
As we have already discussed, disrespect from a woman surfaces when she starts to lose Interest Level or senses weakness in a man. Not physical weakness, but spiritual and emotional passivity. She may not even realize it, but when a man refuses to lead, she instinctively steps into that leader role herself. Over time, that imbalance breeds frustration and contempt.
This is why leadership is not optional. A husband who walks closely with God, takes initiative, prays with his wife, and stands for truth in his home is far harder to disrespect. Not because he demands it, but because he quietly earns it.
Responding Like Christ
The way you handle disrespect determines the direction of your relationship. You can either escalate the conflict or diffuse it with grace and strength.
Jesus was mocked, insulted, and spat on, yet He never lost control. His power was proven not in domination, but in restraint. That is the model for every Christian man.
- Do not argue or match her tone. A soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).
- Do not withdraw in silence or bitterness. Address the issue gently but clearly.
- Do not play the victim. Lead her toward better behavior by showing her what mature love looks like.
Remember, you are not called to be her equal in temperament. You are called to be her example in Christlikeness.
The Long-Term Picture
If you consistently respond with calm strength and biblical love, most women will eventually soften. Respect grows where security grows. If you react with anger or sarcasm, you will only confirm her worst fears and deepen the cycle of disrespect.
Your goal is not to win an argument. Your goal is to win her heart back to order and peace, the way Christ wins ours back daily through patience and grace.
The Final Word to Men
Men, do not let disrespect drag you into sin. Do not let frustration lead you to harshness or pride. You can correct behavior and still remain kind. You can set boundaries and still be loving. You can be strong without being controlling.
The mature man does not need to prove his strength. He shows it through self-control. That is what godly masculinity looks like.
Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
– Ephesians 5:33
You cannot force respect, but you can model it, and by doing so, call her to rise to it. Lead her with truth, steadiness, and faith, the same way Christ leads His Church.
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