Most divorces and most affairs do not start in a bedroom. They start in the heart, and more specifically, they start when a husband and wife stop giving each other what God wired them to need. What eventually shows up as betrayal, separation, or legal paperwork almost always began much earlier, quietly, invisibly, and internally.
That is the core reason.
Scripture actually tells us this in plain language, without psychology jargon or modern euphemisms.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
– Ephesians 5:25
“Let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
– Ephesians 5:33
Paul does not say these things randomly. He is not guessing or offering marriage tips based on cultural trends. He is describing design. God built men and women differently on purpose, with complementary needs that are meant to meet, not compete. When that design is ignored or violated long enough, something breaks. Sometimes it breaks quietly through emotional distance and resignation. Sometimes it explodes through adultery, abandonment, or divorce.
This is where the love and respect cycle matters, and why it explains so much marital breakdown with unsettling clarity.
Most men feel most alive, secure, and connected when they are respected. Not flattered. Not managed. Not placated. Respected. When a man feels consistently disrespected, belittled, or treated as incompetent, he often shuts down emotionally, grows defensive, or disengages relationally. Over time, he may go looking for affirmation somewhere else. That “somewhere else” might be work, hobbies, pornography, or another woman who treats him like he matters and listens when he speaks.
Most women feel most secure and connected when they are loved. Not merely provided for. Not efficiently scheduled into a busy life. Loved. When a woman feels consistently unloved, unseen, or emotionally abandoned, her heart begins to drift. She may stay physically present while emotionally checking out. She may begin bonding with someone else who listens, notices details, asks questions, and affirms her value as a person rather than a role.
Once that cycle turns negative, it feeds itself with frightening efficiency.
He feels disrespected, so he withdraws love. He stops initiating, stops pursuing, stops engaging. She feels unloved, so she withdraws respect. Her tone sharpens, her patience shortens, and her contempt quietly grows. He reacts to the lack of respect with distance or anger. She reacts to the lack of love with bitterness or emotional withdrawal. Round and round it goes, each spouse justifying their behavior by pointing to the other’s failure.
That cycle alone explains a staggering number of divorces and affairs, even among couples who once loved each other deeply and meant every word of their vows.
Now add another layer.
The late secular relationship expert Thomas Hodges, better known as Doc Love, talked constantly about “Interest Level.” Strip away the non-Christian framing and dating language, and he was onto something that aligns with biblical wisdom. People do not leave marriages when their Interest Level in their spouse is high. In other words, if they are in love, if they look up to and admire and respect their spouse, their relationship will stay strong. But if they start to disdain their partner and even fall out of love with them, they are more likely to break things off. They leave when Interest Level steadily drops and stays there for long periods of time.
Interest Level is not built by begging, chasing, controlling, or manipulating. It does not rise through guilt, pressure, or fear. It rises when someone feels valued, safe, respected, and drawn toward the other person. It falls when someone feels disrespected, unloved, criticized, nagged, ignored, taken for granted, or constantly disappointed by who their spouse has become.
Here is the uncomfortable truth that many Christians avoid.
Many marriages die slowly because one or both spouses stop being someone the other person is drawn toward. This is not about chasing novelty or excitement. It is about character, presence, and growth.
That does not mean physical appearance alone, though stewardship matters. It means emotional strength, spiritual depth, maturity, humility, leadership, kindness, and stability. It means being a person who is alive, engaged, repentant, growing, and walking with God.
A husband who becomes passive, angry, spiritually lazy, or checked out is not loving his wife the way Christ loves the church. He may lose focus and stop being a man who is confident in the Lord, cease being joyful in serving Christ even in the midst of struggles, and fail to willingly and lovingly lead his family in spiritual growth.
A wife who becomes contemptuous, disrespectful, constantly critical, or dismissive is not respecting her husband in a way that reflects God’s design. She may grow to become more disinterested in him and limit sexual relations severely. When this becomes the norm rather than the exception, attraction erodes, and Interest Level collapses.
It becomes a meteoric spiral down, to where one spouse gets bored with the other. And they’ll see the other put even less and less effort into the marriage relationship, so they themselves will reciprocate the low/no effort, unknowingly
And when Interest Level drops low enough, temptation becomes louder and more persuasive.
This is where Scripture cuts deeper than modern advice and refuses to let anyone off the hook.
Jesus said adultery starts before the act. It begins with a desire that is allowed to grow unchecked in the heart. (Matthew 5:28) James says desire, when it is fully grown, gives birth to sin. (James 1:14–15)
That means adultery is rarely an accident. Divorce is rarely sudden. They are usually the final stage of a long period of neglect, selfishness, unresolved resentment, and spiritual drift that no one wanted to confront early.
Here is another hard truth that needs to be said plainly.
No one wakes up one day suddenly unfaithful. They wake up spiritually dull, emotionally disconnected, and unguarded. Over time, they justify small compromises: Taking a look at social media accounts of attractive members of the opposite sex instead of praying to the Lord. Messaging and flirting with others when you should be pouring into your marriage instead. Conversations that go too far. Emotional bonds that are not shut down. Fantasies that are entertained instead of killed. Each step feels minor, reasonable, and explainable until the damage is already done.
When love and respect are absent, and Interest Level has been neglected for years, sin finds fertile ground.
The Gospel does not excuse this behavior, but it does explain it and offer real hope that goes beyond self-help strategies.
The Bible does not teach that marriage thrives on feelings alone. It teaches covenant faithfulness, sacrificial love, and reverent respect. Jesus Christ does not love the Church because she is always lovable, grateful, or responsive. He loves her faithfully, purposefully, and redemptively, even when the Church strays away from Him, and even at great cost to Himself.
That is the model.
So even when a wife is not the best to her husband, the husband will deeply love, lead, and take care of her anyway. And even when the husband lacks being the man he needs to be for her, the woman will unconditionally respect and cherish him anyway.
That having been said, both the husband and the wife need to submit to God and strive to be the best spouse they can be for the other person. A man who loves his wife sacrificially, leads with humility, repents when wrong, takes spiritual responsibility, and walks closely with God becomes a man worthy of respect. A woman who respects her husband, affirms what is good, communicates honestly without contempt, and trusts God becomes someone her husband is drawn toward again.
Interest level rises where godliness grows.
This does not mean marriages never struggle or experience seasons of dryness. It means they are fought for intentionally. It means sin is confronted early rather than tolerated. It means selfishness is repented of quickly rather than defended. It means neither spouse waits passively for the other to change while hardening their own heart and justifying their own failures.
At the root, divorce and adultery are not caused by incompatibility, boredom, or falling out of love. Those are symptoms that show up at the end of a long process.
The core issue is a breakdown of love and respect, combined with spiritual neglect and unchecked desire.
When God’s design is ignored, consequences follow with painful consistency. When God’s design is embraced, even imperfectly, healing, restoration, and renewal are possible. Raise the Interest Level of the other person by loving them and respecting them more.
That is not theory. That is reality. And Scripture has been telling us this all along.
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