Why You Must Start Saying Nice Things to and About Your Spouse

This is one of those marriage truths that sounds simple, but quietly shapes everything.

Most marriages do not unravel because of one catastrophic moment. They erode through tone, habits, and words. Especially words spoken repeatedly. Especially words spoken carelessly. And, especially neglecting to ever say some positive words!

Scripture is clear that words carry weight. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). That applies everywhere, but it lands with particular force in marriage, because no one hears your voice more often than your spouse.

If your words regularly communicate disappointment, correction, or critique, your marriage will begin to feel like a performance review instead of a refuge.

And here is the hard truth many of us need to hear. Most spouses already know their weaknesses. What they desperately need is to know they are loved, respected, and believed in.

We Forget the Person Closest to Us

Most of us are intentional about encouraging our children. We cheer them on. We speak life into them. We look for chances to build them up. We do the same with friends, coworkers, and people at church.

Yet the person who lives closest to us – our husband or wife – often gets the least intentional encouragement.

Familiarity can dull attentiveness. We assume our spouse knows we appreciate them, so we stop saying it. We save our patience and positivity for others, then bring leftovers home. Scripture calls us to love those nearest to us well, not merely efficiently. “Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18). That love is expressed, heard, and felt through deliberate words spoken again and again.

The Five-to-One Principle

There is a principle often cited in counseling circles that healthy relationships tend to have at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. While that observation comes from behavioral research, it lines up beautifully with biblical wisdom.

Think about that for a moment.

For every critique, correction, or complaint, your spouse should be hearing multiple expressions of appreciation, affection, gratitude, and affirmation.

That does not mean you never address problems. Scripture does not teach silence in the face of sin or foolishness. It teaches wisdom in how and when we speak. “Let your speech always be gracious” (Colossians 4:6).

If your spouse mostly hears what is wrong, then even valid concerns will feel like attacks. But when encouragement is the dominant language of your home, correction is received as care rather than condemnation.

A helpful question to ask yourself is this. If your spouse were asked what your voice usually communicates, would they say safety or scrutiny?

Encouragement Is Not Flattery

Encouragement is not pretending everything is perfect. It is choosing to notice and speak what is good, growing, and God-honoring.

Husbands, your wife should regularly hear that you see her faith, her sacrifice, her patience, her strength. Wives, your husband should regularly hear that you respect his efforts, his leadership, his diligence, his desire to provide and protect.

Paul tells us to “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). That command does not stop at the church door. It begins in the home.

Encouragement builds courage, not to mention intimacy. Criticism, even when accurate, often drains it. Don’t let that “tank” constantly be depleted and running dry!

Praise Your Spouse in Public

One of the most powerful and overlooked practices in marriage is this: Speak well of your spouse when they are not in the room.

Say kind things about your husband or wife in front of your children, your extended family, your friends, and your circle of people.

When a spouse hears that you speak well of them publicly, it creates trust privately. It communicates loyalty. It says, “I am for you, I’ve got your back, even when you are not here to hear it.”

Proverbs 31 paints a picture of a husband whose praise for his wife is known at the city gates. In other words, in public. Honor spoken publicly multiplies its effect.

The opposite is also true. Public criticism, even framed as humor or venting, cuts deeply. It invites others into what should be handled with care and privacy.

Correct Privately, Encourage Generously

There is a pattern Jesus teaches that applies here. Address issues directly, lovingly, and privately when possible. Do not store up grievances and unload them emotionally. Do not correct in front of others unless absolutely necessary.

But encouragement should be frequent, visible, and sincere.

Say thank you often. Name specific actions you appreciate. Acknowledge growth. Celebrate faithfulness in small things. Notice effort, not just outcomes.

Your spouse does not need you to be their inner critic. The world already provides plenty of that. They need you to be their most consistent ally.

Guard Your Marriage From Oversharing

There is another habit that quietly undermines encouragement in marriage, and it often masquerades as honesty or transparency.

Be careful how much you share about your marriage, and with whom.

Not every frustration needs an audience. Not every disagreement needs to be processed publicly. When spouses routinely vent to friends, family, or online spaces, they are often rehearsing criticism rather than pursuing resolution. What begins as “I just need to talk” can quickly become a pattern of undermining respect by constantly vomiting out your gripes about your husband or wife.

Scripture urges wisdom here. “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life” (Proverbs 13:3). Marriage flourishes best when struggles are handled with discretion, prayer, and direct conversation. Trusted counsel has its place, but constant disclosure trains the heart to look outward instead of working things through inwardly.

Your spouse should never have to wonder whether private weaknesses are being discussed casually elsewhere. Guarding those details communicates loyalty. It says, “You are safe with me.” And that sense of safety makes encouragement believable and correction bearable.

Marriage Is a Ministry

Marriage is not just about personal happiness. It is a living picture of Christ and the church. Scripture says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5).

Christ does correct His people, but His correction flows from steadfast love, patience, and commitment. He does not lead with condemnation. He leads with grace that transforms.

When husbands and wives feel loved, supported, and respected by one another, something remarkable happens. They grow. They soften. They become more open to change because they feel secure.

Encouragement does not ignore sin. It creates the environment where repentance and growth are actually possible.

A Simple Place to Start

Here is a practical challenge you can begin today.

For the next week, be intentional about offering at least five words of praise or gratitude to your spouse for every one correction or concern. Say them out loud. Be specific. Do not assume they already know what you appreciate – you need to tell them!

At the same time, make it a point to speak well of your spouse when talking with others. Let your children, family, and friends hear respect, love, and honor in the way you describe the person you married.

Small changes in words often lead to big changes in tone. And tone, over time, shapes the heart of a marriage.