How Christian Men Can Lead With Conviction, Pursue Purity, and Prepare for Marriage Without Pretending to Be a Husband
Dating between two committed, born-again Christians should look different from dating in the world. That should not be a controversial statement. If Jesus Christ is Lord over our lives, then He is absolute Lord over our romantic relationships too. The Christian boyfriend and girlfriend are not simply two people who happen to attend church while following the same dating patterns as everyone else. They belong to Christ, their bodies belong to Christ, their sexuality belongs to Christ, their plans for marriage belong to Christ, and even the way they treat one another while dating must be governed by the Word of Christ.
But this raises an important question, particularly for Christian men: What kind of spiritual leadership should a boyfriend exercise in a dating relationship? Should he lead? Should his girlfriend submit to him? Should he correct her theology? Should they study the Bible together? What responsibility does he have for their physical boundaries? And where does the local church fit into all of this?
These questions require some careful distinctions because there are two opposite mistakes we can make. One is to treat Christian dating exactly like secular dating with a little prayer sprinkled on top. The other is to pretend that dating is already marriage and give a boyfriend authority Scripture reserves for a husband. Neither approach is biblical.
A Boyfriend Is Not a Husband
A few years back, I was leading a men’s ministry meeting where I briefly mentioned the teaching of Ephesians 5:22-33. I stated that Christian marriages should reflect the pattern God has established in Scripture: wives submitting to their husbands and husbands sacrificially loving their wives. Paul writes:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
– Ephesians 5:22
Then Paul tells husbands:
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
– Ephesians 5:25
An older gentleman in attendance took considerable exception to what I had said. He told us about a young unmarried Christian man he had once known who was dating a Christian woman. Apparently this young man told his girlfriend, in no uncertain terms, “You WILL submit to me.” Understandably, the woman was turned off by the young man’s attitude and behavior. The older gentleman seemed to regard this as evidence of the danger inherent in the whole concept of male leadership and female submission, and instead sadly advocated for a “happy wife, happy life” approach.
But there was a significant problem with that conclusion. The young man in his story was wrong precisely because he wasn’t following Ephesians 5.
Read the passage carefully. Paul does not say, “Girlfriends, submit to your boyfriends.” He says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands.“ The young man’s problem was not that he took Ephesians 5 too seriously. He was attempting to claim a covenantal authority that God had not given him. There was no marriage. There was no husband. There was no wife. He was a boyfriend demanding the privileges of a relationship he had not entered.
We should not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Someone’s abuse or misunderstanding of biblical teaching does not invalidate biblical teaching. If a man twists Ephesians 5 into something ugly and controlling, the answer is to correct his interpretation and behavior, not to erase Ephesians 5 from our Bibles. Likewise, if another man refuses to love his wife sacrificially, we don’t respond by concluding that husbands should no longer love their wives. We return to what Scripture actually says.
Dating Is Discernment, Not Pretend Marriage
A Christian dating relationship should be a period of intentional discernment. If marriage is not even within the realm of possibility, Christians should seriously ask what they are doing romantically attaching themselves to one another in the first place. Dating does not guarantee marriage, but for mature believers it should ordinarily be helping answer the question, “Could I faithfully enter a marriage covenant with this person?”
That means a Christian boyfriend should begin demonstrating the qualities that would someday make him a godly husband without pretending that he already is one. There is an important distinction there.
A man can demonstrate leadership without demanding authority. He can initiate prayer. He can suggest that they read Scripture together. He can initiate conversations about theology, marriage, children, church, money, sexual purity and their future. He can be the first one to say, “We’re getting too close to sexual sin, and we need to change what we’re doing.” He can encourage his girlfriend when she is discouraged, pray for her when she is struggling, challenge her when she is sinning, and receive correction when she sees sin in him.
Those are excellent qualities in a Christian boyfriend because they reveal something about what kind of husband he might eventually become.
But he should never say, in effect, “I’m the man, therefore God commands you to obey me.”
God has given him no such authority.
She Submits to Scripture Before She Ever Submits to a Husband
This distinction becomes especially important when a boyfriend and girlfriend disagree about something biblical.
Suppose she believes something is permissible and he believes Scripture forbids it. Should she “submit” to him?
Not simply because he is her boyfriend.
But suppose he opens the Bible, handles the text faithfully, and demonstrates that Scripture clearly teaches something different from what she believes. In that case, she absolutely should submit, but ultimately she is submitting to God’s Word, not to her boyfriend.
Paul writes:
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.”
– 2 Timothy 3:16
The authority is Scripture.
The same principle runs in both directions. If she opens Scripture and demonstrates that he has misunderstood something, he doesn’t get to pull the “I’m the man” card. He should bow his head to the authority of God’s Word and admit he was wrong.
In fact, one of the qualities a Christian man should desire in a future wife is a woman who knows her Bible well enough to challenge him when necessary. A man who is intimidated when a woman says, “Show me that from Scripture,” has a poor understanding of spiritual leadership. That should be music to the ears of a Christian man. Open the Bible together. Read the passage. Study the context. Pray. Seek wise counsel if necessary. Both should be willing to say, “Whatever God has actually said, that’s what I want.”
The Bereans were commended because they examined the Scriptures to determine whether the things they were being taught were true (Acts 17:11). A Christian boyfriend should never want his girlfriend’s confidence in him to become greater than her confidence in God’s Word.
A Christian Man Should Lead Toward Purity
One of the clearest places a Christian boyfriend should exercise initiative is sexual purity.
Again, this does not mean the woman has no responsibility. She certainly does. Both belong to Christ, and both are commanded to flee sexual immorality. Paul writes:
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.”
– 1 Thessalonians 4:3
And elsewhere:
“Flee from sexual immorality.”
– 1 Corinthians 6:18
Christian couples sometimes play games with this. “How far is too far?” becomes the question, when a much healthier question is, “How can we help one another pursue holiness?”
A godly boyfriend should be willing to say, “We need to stop.” He should be willing to change the environment, shorten the evening, leave the house, stop the physical affection, establish clearer boundaries, or confess that something they have been doing is stirring desires they cannot righteously fulfill.
And gentlemen, don’t dump responsibility for your purity onto the woman.
Don’t tell her that she needs to dress differently because you refuse to govern your eyes. Don’t blame her when you participate willingly in sexual behavior. Don’t make her the guardian of your holiness while you continually push the boundary and expect her to say no.
Lead yourself first.
Paul told Timothy:
“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
– 2 Timothy 2:22
A man demonstrating future husband material should care more about bringing a woman closer to Christ than getting physical access to her body. Sometimes one of the most loving things a Christian boyfriend can say is, “I want you badly, but I love Christ and I care about your holiness too much for us to do this.”
There is strength in that kind of restraint.
Study the Bible With Her, But Don’t Become Her Pastor
I strongly believe Christian couples can benefit tremendously from studying Scripture and praying together. A boyfriend who initiates this is showing something valuable about his priorities. Instead of building the relationship entirely around restaurants, movies, physical affection, texting, and entertainment, they begin building spiritual habits together.
As te young man gets to know her, he should ask:
- “Let’s pray about it.”
- “What does Scripture say?”
- “Let’s read this together.”
- “I was reading this passage this morning and thought of you.”
Those can become beautiful rhythms in a Christian relationship.
But there is another ditch here that Christians need to avoid: A boyfriend should not gradually become his girlfriend’s personal pastor. And he should not become her entire spiritual ecosystem.
This is particularly important when the man is older, more experienced, more theologically educated, or simply has a stronger personality than the woman. The danger is that she gradually begins filtering everything through him. He becomes her Bible teacher, counselor, accountability partner, theological authority, decision-maker, and spiritual gatekeeper.
And there is a concern that if the single man is older (especially five or more years her senior), he could possibly use that as leverage to control or manipulate her.
Men, we must carefully and prayerfully guard against this.
She Still Needs Her Church
The New Testament assumes Christians live within the body of Christ. God gives elders responsibility to shepherd His people. Peter tells elders:
“Shepherd the flock of God that is among you.”
– 1 Peter 5:2
Hebrews likewise tells Christians:
“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls.”
– Hebrews 13:17
A boyfriend has not been given that office simply because a woman agreed to date him.
Therefore, one of the healthiest things a serious Christian boyfriend can do is encourage his girlfriend to remain deeply connected to her own church. He should want her pastor or elders to know about the relationship. He should want mature Christian women speaking into her life. He should want her godly friends asking difficult questions. If the relationship becomes serious enough, he should even be willing to sit down with her pastor and answer uncomfortable questions himself, such as:
- “What are your intentions toward her?”
- “How are you handling physical boundaries?”
- “What does your church believe?”
- “What do you think biblical marriage looks like?”
- “How would you handle disagreement?”
- “What are your financial responsibilities?”
- “What does your relationship with your family look like?”
A mature Christian man shouldn’t be frightened by those questions. If he is considering asking this church’s daughter in Christ to become his wife, he should welcome godly men helping her discern whether marrying him would be wise.
There is something deeply wrong when a boyfriend tries to pull a woman away from the people who know her best so that his voice becomes the loudest one in her life.
Healthy spiritual leadership welcomes accountability.
Leadership Before Marriage Should Look Like Character
So what does male leadership actually look like during Christian dating? Primarily, it looks like character. He should model what Christlikeness is to her.
It looks like initiative without entitlement, conviction without domination, protection without possessiveness, biblical correction without pretending to be infallible, sacrifice without keeping score, courage without arrogance, and purity without blaming the woman for temptation.
A Christian boyfriend can say, “Let’s pray,” and he can say, “Let’s see what Scripture says.” He can recognize when their physical relationship is moving in a dangerous direction and say, “I don’t think we should be doing this physically.” When he sins against her, he should be able to humble himself and say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” When an issue requires wisdom beyond the two of them, he should be willing to tell her, “You should talk to your pastor about this.” And when they disagree about something biblical, he should be comfortable saying, “Don’t take my word for it. Let’s study the passage.” These are expressions of leadership that continually direct both people back toward Christ, Scripture, holiness, humility and the wisdom of the church.
If the relationship continues toward marriage, she also gets to observe whether this man’s life supports his words. Does he actually pray? Does he actually read Scripture? Does he submit to his own elders? Can he receive correction? Does he keep his promises? Does he control his sexual desires? Does he treat weaker people gently? Does he repent when he sins? Does he honor his parents? Does he work diligently? Does he serve others when nobody applauds him? Does he love Christ when his girlfriend isn’t watching? Those questions tell a woman considerably more about whether a man will someday lead her well than hearing him announce that he believes in “male leadership.”
The Goal Is Christ
Christian dating should ultimately have a larger purpose than producing a wedding. The goal is faithfulness to Christ. Sometimes faithfulness will lead two Christians toward marriage. Sometimes greater wisdom, prayer, counsel, and time will reveal that they should separate. Dating exists precisely because the covenant has not yet been made.
Until that covenant exists, a boyfriend should resist pretending to possess the authority of a husband. But he should enthusiastically pursue the character of one. He should learn to sacrifice, learn to protect, learn to repent, learn to pray, learn to lead himself, learn to open God’s Word, learn to listen, learn to receive correction, learn to control his body, and learn to love a woman without possessing her. And above everything else, he should keep pointing her toward someone infinitely greater than himself: Christ.
If a Christian relationship is healthy, the woman should become more dependent upon Christ, more rooted in Scripture, more connected to the church, more serious about holiness, and better prepared for whatever God has for her. The man should experience the same growth. A Christian boyfriend who genuinely loves a woman should desire that outcome even before he knows whether she will someday become his wife.
And if she eventually does become his wife, one of the strongest indications that he may lead her faithfully in marriage will be that, while they were dating, he consistently refused to make himself the center of her spiritual life. He kept pointing her to Jesus.
