Why kindness alone doesn’t create attraction, how excessive people-pleasing can undermine relationships, and what Christian men need to understand about confidence, leadership, and a woman’s Interest Level.
Recently, I had a conversation with a Christian brother who has experienced what he describes as “bad luck” with women. He’s a genuinely nice guy. He tries to treat women with kindness, gives them plenty of attention, goes out of his way to help them, and does his best to make them happy. Yet his experiences have been frustratingly similar. He meets a woman, treats her exceptionally well, and eventually finds himself being taken advantage of, rejected, or abandoned. Sometimes the woman seems interested initially, but somewhere along the way, things change. He ends up confused and hurt, wondering why his best efforts never seem to be enough.
I sympathize with him. I really do. I’ve known plenty of Christian men who have experienced similar situations, and I suspect that some of you reading this article have been through the same thing. You do everything you think a good Christian man should do. You’re respectful, considerate, generous with your time, and careful about how you treat women. You believe that if you demonstrate enough kindness and prove that you would make a wonderful husband, eventually a woman will recognize your value and fall in love with you.
But here’s the problem. Being a nice guy, even a genuinely Christian nice guy, does not automatically make you attractive to women.
In fact, depending on how that niceness expresses itself, it can sometimes work against you.
I’ve written previously about the concept of Interest Level, which helps explain why a woman can initially be attracted to a man and then gradually lose that attraction. I’ve also addressed why Christian men need to stop chasing women who aren’t interested in them. Both subjects are closely connected to what I want to discuss here.
My concern is that many Christian men have confused biblical kindness with excessive accommodation, godly humility with insecurity, and sacrificial love with allowing themselves to be mistreated. They’ve been taught to be nice, but haven’t necessarily been taught how to become strong, confident, emotionally mature men who lead their lives under the authority of Jesus Christ. And there’s a tremendous difference between the two.
The Problem With the “Nice Guy” Mentality
Before going any further, we need to establish something important. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice to women. Scripture commands Christians to be kind, patient, gentle, and loving toward others. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Galatians 5:22-23 identifies kindness and gentleness among the fruit of the Spirit.
A Christian man should absolutely treat women with respect and consideration. He should be thoughtful about their needs and willing to serve them. A man who mistreats women, speaks harshly to them, or deliberately manipulates their emotions is behaving contrary to biblical Christianity.
However, there’s a particular kind of “nice guy” mentality that goes well beyond ordinary kindness.
This is the man who believes that making a woman happy should be his primary objective (you might have heard the phrase, “happy wife, happy life” before).
This is the type of wimpy guy who rarely disagrees with her because he’s afraid of upsetting her. He rearranges his entire schedule whenever she wants his attention. He apologizes for things he hasn’t done wrong. He constantly seeks reassurance that she likes him, and he becomes anxious whenever her responses seem less enthusiastic than usual.
He may spend considerable money on gifts, meals, and favors before any meaningful relationship has developed. He tells himself that he’s simply demonstrating generosity, but deep down, he hopes his efforts will convince her that he’s worth loving.
Eventually, his entire emotional world begins revolving around whether this particular woman approves of him.
The problem is that his kindness has become tangled up with his need for acceptance. He may genuinely care about her, but he’s also trying to secure something from her through his behavior. And when she doesn’t respond the way he hopes, he feels cheated.
“I’ve done everything for her. Why doesn’t she want me?”
That question reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of attraction and relationships. You cannot purchase genuine romantic interest through kindness, favors, gifts, or constant availability.
A woman is under no obligation to become romantically interested in a man simply because he has treated her well. At the same time, a woman who knowingly exploits a man’s generosity or deliberately leads him on is behaving wrongly. Both realities can be true, and Christian men need enough discernment to recognize the difference.
Understanding a Woman’s Interest Level
This brings us to something I’ve taught men for years, including in my book Warrior Disciple.
The late relationship expert Thomas “Doc Love” Hodges popularized a concept called “Interest Level.” Hodges spent decades studying romantic relationships and developing practical observations about what attracts women to men and what causes that attraction to decline.
He wasn’t a Christian, and I certainly wouldn’t endorse every aspect of his philosophy. However, I believe there are valuable observations in his work that can be examined through a biblical worldview.
In simple terms, Interest Level describes how romantically attracted and emotionally invested a woman is in a particular man.
A woman with high Interest Level generally enjoys being around you. She looks forward to spending time with you, responds positively to your attention, and makes an effort to maintain the relationship. She doesn’t need to be constantly persuaded to see you because she genuinely wants to.
When her Interest Level is low, however, the situation looks very different. She may frequently cancel plans, rarely initiate conversations, seem distracted when you’re together, or consistently find reasons why she cannot spend time with you.
Of course, these behaviors aren’t infallible indicators. People have busy schedules, personal struggles, and different communication styles. But repeated patterns can reveal a great deal about someone’s willingness to pursue a relationship.
One of Hodges’ most useful observations was that men should pay considerably more attention to a woman’s actions (called finding out their bottom line) than to the mere words a woman speaks, or even to the man’s own hopes about what those actions might mean.
Think about that for a moment… a man can spend months trying to convince himself that a woman likes him. He remembers every friendly smile, analyzes every text message, and interprets ordinary politeness as evidence of romantic attraction. Meanwhile, the woman rarely makes any effort to spend time with him. His feelings are strong, but hers apparently aren’t.
Unfortunately, his response is often to become even “nicer.” He sends more messages, offers more favors, buys another gift, and trips over himself to make himself more “likable” and indispensable.
Yet none of those things can manufacture romantic attraction where it doesn’t exist.
Interest Level cannot be forced.
I’ve sometimes described Interest Level using a scale from 0 to 100. The numbers are just a basic guide; they are simply an illustration rather than a scientifically validated measurement. They help men understand that romantic interest can be strong, uncertain, or nearly nonexistent, and that it can change over time.
Here’s what many Christian men fail to recognize: a woman’s Interest Level can decline even while a man is becoming increasingly accommodating toward her.
Why? Because excessive accommodation may reveal insecurity, fear of rejection, and a lack of confidence. Those qualities can undermine the very respect and attraction he’s hoping to develop.
Women Generally Want More Than a Man Who Is Nice
Ask a Christian woman what qualities she wants in a husband, and you’ll probably hear some familiar answers. She wants a man who loves Jesus Christ, treats her respectfully, remains faithful, and demonstrates kindness. Those are excellent qualities, and they are all important factors.
But if we examine what makes a healthy relationship attractive and sustainable, there’s more to consider.
A woman may also desire a man who demonstrates confidence, takes responsibility, exercises sound judgment, and has direction in his life. She may want someone who can make decisions without constantly seeking approval, handle difficult circumstances without falling apart, and lead his family with conviction and wisdom.
Different women will value these qualities differently, of course. Women aren’t all identical, and there is no universal formula that guarantees attraction equally. Nevertheless, these characteristics are worth developing because they reflect maturity and responsibility.
Consider the following hypothetical Christian men.
The first man is extremely agreeable. He never expresses a strong opinion because he doesn’t want to create tension. Whenever a woman asks what he wants to do, he responds, “Whatever you want is fine with me, honey.” If she cancels plans at the last minute, he immediately offers to rearrange everything. He rarely communicates his own preferences because he worries that doing so might make him appear selfish. To put it bluntly, he is spineless, wimpy, and is a spiritual and emotional doormat.
The second man is equally kind, but he has a different approach. He confidently suggests a restaurant or activity when planning a date. He listens carefully to her preferences and welcomes her input. He has the guts to disagree with her or say “no.” If she disagrees with him, he can discuss the matter respectfully without becoming defensive. He has meaningful responsibilities outside the relationship, and he doesn’t abandon them whenever she wants his attention.
Which man is demonstrating greater maturity?
The second man is showing that he can take initiative while remaining considerate. He has convictions without being argumentative, and he demonstrates that his life has direction.
There’s nothing especially complicated about this at all. A mature man can be kind and confident at the same time.
And that leads us to an important biblical principle.
Biblical Masculinity Requires Strength and Gentleness
One of the unfortunate developments within some Christian circles is the assumption that gentleness and masculinity somehow compete with each other. They don’t.
Consider the example of Jesus Christ. Our Lord was perfectly gentle, compassionate, and loving. He welcomed children, showed mercy to sinners, and demonstrated extraordinary patience toward His disciples. Matthew 11:29 records Jesus describing Himself as “gentle and lowly in heart.”
Yet nobody who reads the Gospels carefully could reasonably describe Jesus as timid, insecure, or desperate for human approval. He confronted religious hypocrisy directly. He refused to compromise the truth to satisfy powerful people. He endured hostility without abandoning His Father’s will. When His disciples misunderstood Him, He corrected them. When crowds wanted to make Him king on their terms, He refused.
Jesus was never controlled by the fear of man.
Now, we must be extremely careful about drawing direct comparisons between Christ’s earthly ministry and modern romantic relationships. Jesus was sinless, and His mission was unique. Nevertheless, His character gives Christian men the perfect example of strength governed by holiness.
Biblical gentleness is strength exercised under God’s control.
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”
Notice how strength and love belong together in Paul’s instruction. Christian men are called to stand firm in the faith and demonstrate courage, while ensuring that their actions are governed by love. This is precisely where the insecure “nice guy” mentality often fails.
A man who is terrified of disappointing a woman may compromise his convictions to keep her happy. He may avoid necessary conversations because he fears conflict. He may tolerate repeated mistreatment because he believes that establishing boundaries would be unloving.
But Scripture doesn’t teach men to surrender their judgment whenever someone becomes displeased with them. Proverbs 29:25 warns us that “the fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.” That warning can apply to romantic relationships just as surely as it applies to friendships, business relationships, employment, or church leadership.
If a man constantly needs a woman’s approval to feel secure, he’s placing an enormous amount of emotional power in her hands. He needs to learn to fear God more than he fears rejection.
Stop Trying to Earn a Woman’s Affection
One of the most damaging assumptions a Christian man can make is that romantic affection operates like a reward system. He thinks that if he accumulates enough good behavior, eventually a woman will recognize his worth and reward him with affection and maybe a relationship.
He offers to help her move. He fixes things around her house. He listens to her frustrations about other men. He buys her coffee, remembers every important occasion, and makes himself available whenever she needs assistance.
Again, none of these actions is inherently wrong. Christians should serve one another, and ordinary acts of generosity are good things. The difficulty arises when a man performs these actions with an unspoken expectation of romantic repayment.
Perhaps the woman has already explained that she sees him only as a friend. He says he understands, but he continues treating her as though he’s auditioning for the position of boyfriend or husband. Months pass, and nothing changes. Eventually, he becomes frustrated because he believes his investment should have produced a return.
Brother, if this describes you, I want you to think carefully about what you’re doing.
A woman who doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you cannot be persuaded into genuine attraction through an endless campaign of favors.
You may be able to make yourself useful to her. You may even become someone she appreciates and trusts. But usefulness and romantic attraction are different things.
Furthermore, you need to examine your own motives. Are you genuinely serving this woman as a sister in Christ, or are you secretly hoping that enough service will change her feelings?
Galatians 5:13 tells believers, “Through love serve one another.” Christian service should flow from love for God and neighbor. It shouldn’t become a disguised transaction in which we expect someone to give us what we want.
If she has clearly rejected your romantic interest, accept her answer. Treat her respectfully, maintain appropriate Christian fellowship where possible, and move forward with your life. There’s no shame in recognizing that a particular relationship isn’t going to develop.
Being Constantly Available Can Reveal a Lack of Direction
Another common characteristic of the excessively accommodating nice guy is that he seems to have unlimited time for the woman he’s pursuing.
If she wants to talk, he immediately drops whatever he’s doing. If she changes plans, he rearranges his schedule. If she needs something, he’s always the first person volunteering to help. It’s an attitude of, “Yes! Whatever you want, baby!”
At first glance, this may appear wonderfully sacrificial! But we need to ask whether his behavior reflects genuine generosity or an unhealthy dependence on her attention. If it’s the latter (and men, honestly, weigh your intentions here), then you need to rethink your approach.
A mature Christian man should have meaningful responsibilities beyond his romantic interests.
He should be faithfully serving Christ, growing in biblical knowledge, maintaining healthy friendships, and fulfilling his responsibilities at work and within his family. He should be a spiritually strong, ambitious person. He should have goals worth pursuing and commitments that matter.
Paul tells believers in Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” That principle should shape a man’s entire life.
If you’re neglecting your work, abandoning friendships, or repeatedly canceling important commitments because you’re afraid a woman might lose interest in you, something is out of order. You’re allowing the possibility of romance to govern responsibilities God has already placed before you. And consider what this communicates.
A man who has no meaningful direction apart from a woman’s attention may eventually place an unhealthy burden on her. She becomes responsible for providing his sense of purpose, emotional security, and personal happiness. That’s far too much weight to place on another human being.
A godly woman should be able to recognize that the man she’s considering marrying has a life grounded in something greater than the relationship itself.
His first allegiance belongs to Jesus Christ.
Learn to Make Decisions Without Constantly Seeking Approval
I want to address something that may seem relatively minor but can reveal a much larger issue.
Some Christian men struggle to make even ordinary decisions when they’re around women. Let’s look at some scenarios:
Where should we eat? “I don’t know. Wherever you want.”
What should we do this weekend? “Whatever makes you happy, honey.”
What do you think about this issue? “Well, what do you think?”
Brother, if this is you, then you need to get a backbone. You need to start making some decisions and show that you can successfully execute confident choices for yourself. Don’t leave it up to the woman to decide everything.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with asking a woman for her preferences. In fact, a considerate and humble man should regularly seek her input. Good leadership involves listening carefully and valuing another person’s perspective.
And it’s more than alright for a man to simply admit, “I don’t know” sometimes.
However, a man who continually refuses to express an opinion and leaves all the decision-making to the woman may be communicating that he’s afraid of making the wrong choice. He’s so concerned about maintaining her approval that he avoids taking responsibility.
Over time, that can become exhausting to deal with, and that is a major turn-off to women. A woman shouldn’t have to carry the entire burden of planning every activity, initiating every important conversation, or making every decision.
Christian men should be developing the ability to exercise judgment and take initiative.
James 1:5 tells us that if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously. Proverbs repeatedly emphasizes the importance of prudence, discernment, and wise counsel. These passages remind us that good judgment is something we should actively pursue.
A man doesn’t need to become domineering or insist on getting his way. He can simply learn to say, “I was thinking we could try that Italian restaurant on Friday. Would you enjoy that?”
That’s a small example, but it illustrates a larger principle:
Confidence allows a man to take initiative without needing to egotistically control the outcome. He can make a suggestion, receive feedback, and adjust when appropriate. He doesn’t collapse emotionally by getting furious, jealous, or bitter if his idea isn’t accepted. This kind of maturity is valuable in dating, marriage, church leadership, and virtually every other area of life.
Boundaries Are Part of Healthy Christian Relationships
Let’s return to the Christian brother I mentioned at the beginning. He lamented that women have often taken advantage of his kindness.
Now, in all fairness, without knowing every detail of those relationships, I wouldn’t presume that he was always at fault. Some people genuinely behave selfishly, manipulate others, or exploit their generosity. Women, like men, are sinners who need the grace of God. But I would encourage him to examine whether he has established healthy boundaries in his relationships.
Does he repeatedly tolerate behavior that he knows is unacceptable?
Does he continue giving money, time, or emotional support to someone who consistently treats him poorly?
Does he avoid addressing problems because he’s afraid that confronting them will end the relationship?
If so, he needs to recognize that biblical kindness doesn’t require him to become someone’s doormat.
Proverbs 4:23 instructs us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” That verse speaks broadly about guarding our inner lives, but its wisdom certainly applies to relationships. We should exercise discernment about the people we allow to influence us and the attachments we develop.
Suppose you’re dating a woman who repeatedly cancels plans without any explanation, makes unreasonable demands on your time, or regularly speaks to you disrespectfully. You don’t need to respond with anger or make an attempt to punish her. You can calmly explain your concerns and establish reasonable expectations. If the behavior continues, you may need to reconsider whether the relationship is wise to even have.
That’s especially important during dating, when you’re evaluating whether marriage would be appropriate. Marriage requires a lifelong covenant commitment, and you should take the character of a potential spouse seriously. A man who cannot establish reasonable boundaries while dating may find himself carrying the same unhealthy patterns into marriage.
Of course, marriage brings additional covenant obligations. A husband cannot simply abandon his wife when her affection declines or when the relationship becomes difficult. Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.
That sacrificial commitment remains binding even during seasons of hardship.
Still, sacrificial love doesn’t mean ignoring serious sin, enabling destructive behavior, or refusing to seek help when a marriage is in trouble.
Christian love requires both grace and truth.
Emotional Neediness Can Damage Attraction
Here’s another uncomfortable reality that Christian men need to consider.
When a man constantly seeks reassurance from a woman, he can unintentionally make the relationship emotionally exhausting. Perhaps he repeatedly asks whether she still likes him. He becomes anxious when she takes longer than usual to answer a text. He assumes that every change in her mood must mean he’s done something wrong. If she wants an evening to herself, he worries that she’s losing interest. Before long, she’s spending considerable time managing his insecurity.
This pattern can undermine attraction because the relationship becomes dominated by his fear of losing her.
Now, I want to be careful here. Men are human beings with genuine emotional needs. Scripture never commands us to suppress every feeling or pretend that we’re invulnerable. Jesus Himself, as a man, experienced sorrow, grief, and anguish. Paul openly described his afflictions and emotional burdens. Christian men should be able to communicate honestly about their struggles.
But there’s a difference between healthy emotional openness and expecting another person to provide constant reassurance that you’re valuable. If your emotional stability depends on whether a woman responds enthusiastically to your latest text message, you need to examine where you’re finding your security.
Psalm 62:5-6 says, “For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.” David’s confidence was rooted in the Lord.
A Christian man’s deepest security should likewise come from his relationship with Christ.
That doesn’t eliminate the pain of romantic rejection. It gives him a foundation strong enough to endure disappointment without allowing it to destroy his sense of worth.
A man who knows who he is in Christ can genuinely enjoy a woman’s affection without becoming enslaved to her approval.
Don’t Confuse Confidence With Arrogance or Manipulation
At this point, someone may object that all this talk about confidence, attraction, and Interest Level sounds suspiciously like the advice promoted by secular dating coaches. Okay, that is a fair concern, as there are plenty of men teaching manipulative dating techniques that Christians should reject completely.
Some encourage men to deliberately ignore women, manufacture jealousy, withhold their affection, or behave unpredictably to increase attraction. Others promote an exaggerated form of masculinity built around dominance and control.
These approaches are incompatible with biblical love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 reminds us that love is patient and kind, does not boast, and does not insist on its own way.
A Christian man should never deliberately mistreat a woman to make her more interested in him. Furthermore, confidence shouldn’t become an excuse for arrogance.
Romans 12:3 warns believers against thinking of themselves more highly than they ought to think. Philippians 2:3 instructs us to count others more significant than ourselves.
The confident Christian man understands that his abilities, opportunities, and strengths are gifts from God. He has no reason to boast as though he created himself. He can lead without belittling others. He can disagree without becoming hostile. He can establish boundaries without being cruel. And when he makes mistakes, he should be humble enough to acknowledge them and repent.
The goal is Christlike maturity, expressed through courage, responsibility, and genuine love.
A man who develops these qualities may become more attractive to women, but he should pursue them because they honor God. Remember that difference.
If your entire motivation for becoming a better man is to make women desire you, you’ve simply found another way to make female approval the center of your life.
You Cannot Make Every Woman Want You
Here’s something I wish more Christian men understood: You can be a faithful believer, a responsible worker, a thoughtful friend, and a genuinely desirable potential husband, and a particular woman may still have no romantic interest in you. That’s life. It’s going to happen.
There are countless reasons why two people may not be romantically compatible. Personal preferences can differ among ladies and guys. Life circumstances and backgrounds can be too different. Sometimes two otherwise godly people simply don’t develop the feelings necessary to pursue marriage. And, to put it bluntly, you just may not seem physically attractive to a woman.
A woman’s lack of interest doesn’t automatically mean you’ve failed as a man, nor does it necessarily mean that she’s shallow, selfish, or spiritually immature. She may simply recognize that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you. And that’s her decision to make.
I’ve written before about the importance of walking away when a woman isn’t interested. I believe this is one of the most practical lessons Christian men can learn.
If you’ve asked a woman out and she’s clearly declined, then respect her answer.
If she repeatedly cancels dates without suggesting alternatives, pay attention to that pattern.
If you’re always initiating communication and she rarely makes any effort to reciprocate, consider whether the interest is mutual.
Don’t spend months trying to convince someone to appreciate you romantically. Know when it’s time to be gracious to her and move on.
Stop pursuing her and move on.
You can certainly give someone reasonable opportunities to get to know you. Relationships sometimes develop gradually, and one awkward interaction doesn’t necessarily settle the matter. But once her lack of interest becomes clear, accept reality.
There is no biblical virtue in refusing to respect a woman’s romantic decisions. And there is no spiritual prize for enduring endless rejection from someone who has already told you she doesn’t want a relationship. Move forward graciously.
What About the Woman Who Takes Advantage of a Nice Guy?
We also need to address the other side of this issue. Sometimes a Christian man really is actually being mistreated.
A woman may knowingly encourage his romantic hopes because she enjoys the attention or benefits from his generosity. She may repeatedly ask him for favors while making it clear that she has no intention of pursuing a relationship. If she deliberately exploits his feelings, her behavior is wrong.
Scripture condemns selfishness and dishonesty regardless of whether the person committing those sins is male or female. Philippians 2:4 instructs believers to look not only to their own interests but also to the interests of others.
Christian women have responsibilities before God concerning how they treat men, just as Christian men have responsibilities concerning how they treat women.
Nevertheless, a man needs to know how to make clear boundaries. He who recognizes that someone is exploiting his generosity needs to exercise wisdom. He doesn’t have to continue participating in the arrangement. He can stop providing favors that are being taken for granted. He can establish appropriate distance and make clear that he expects to be treated respectfully. He should do these things without bitterness or retaliation.
Remember, kindness doesn’t require unlimited access to your time, resources, or emotional energy.
Jesus taught His followers to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). Although that instruction originally concerned the dangers His disciples would face in ministry, the combination of wisdom and innocence illustrates a valuable principle.
Christian men should strive to be generous without becoming gullible. They should love others without surrendering discernment. They should be willing to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.
Become the Kind of Man Who Is Worthy of Respect
If I could sit down with that Christian brother again and offer him one central piece of advice, it would be this: stop making the approval of women your primary measure of success. Focus instead on becoming the man God calls you to be.
A man following after Christ should daily ask himself these questions: Am I faithfully following Jesus Christ? Am I growing in my knowledge of Scripture? Am I taking responsibility for my work and finances? Am I developing the ability to make wise decisions? Am I becoming more disciplined in how I manage my time?
Do you demonstrate emotional steadiness when circumstances become difficult? Are you involved in a healthy local church? Do you have meaningful friendships with other Christian men who can encourage you and hold you accountable? And perhaps most importantly, are you learning to find your deepest joy and security in Christ? These questions deserve serious consideration.
1 Timothy 4:7-8 instructs believers to train themselves for godliness, reminding us that godliness holds promise for both the present life and the life to come.
That kind of spiritual training requires intentional effort.
You don’t become a mature Christian man simply by getting older or attending church services. You grow through the ordinary means of grace, obedience to Scripture, prayer, fellowship, and the continual work of the Holy Spirit.
As you grow spiritually, that maturity should increasingly influence the practical areas of your life:
Learn to take initiative and make some solid decisions for yourself. Be ambitious about things. Develop useful skills in life. Fulfill your responsibilities. Exercise self-control publicly and privately. Learn to be a man of integrity. Honor and keep your commitments. Communicate clearly where you can handle disagreement respectfully. Be the kind of man other people can depend upon.
If the Lord provides a woman for you, she will find you more attractive and appealing if you have these traits. And if marriage never comes, those qualities remain valuable because your ultimate calling is to glorify God.
A Final Word to the Christian “Nice Guy”
I want to return to where we began.
If you’re a Christian man who has repeatedly experienced rejection or disappointment with women, I understand why you might feel discouraged. Perhaps you’ve tried to do everything “right.” You’ve been respectful, generous, patient, and attentive. You’ve watched other men enter relationships while you remain single, and you’ve wondered why your efforts never seem to produce the same results.
But I want you to consider whether your understanding of being a “good guy” needs to change.
Being good to women is essential. Being excessively accommodating because you’re afraid of losing their approval is another matter entirely.
You can be gentle without being timid. You can be generous without allowing others to exploit you. You can pursue a woman courageously without becoming desperate for her affection.
You can also recognize when her Interest Level is low and move forward without resentment.
Don’t allow repeated rejection to make you bitter toward women. That bitterness will damage your character and may eventually poison a relationship with a woman who genuinely cares about you. At the same time, don’t assume that becoming even more agreeable will solve every romantic problem.
A woman who genuinely wants to be with you shouldn’t need to be endlessly convinced that spending time with you is worthwhile.
Look for mutual interest. Look for godly character. Look for a woman who appreciates you, respects you, and demonstrates through her actions that she wants to build a relationship with you. And make sure you’re becoming the kind of man who can offer those same qualities in return!
Proverbs 19:14 reminds us that “a prudent wife is from the LORD.” If God provides you with a godly wife, receive her as a gift and love her faithfully. If you’re still waiting, use that season to grow in wisdom, contentment, and spiritual maturity.
Above all, remember that your identity is found in Jesus Christ. Your value or status before God isn’t determined by how many women find you attractive, how many dates you receive, or if you’re currently married or not.
If you belong to Christ, you’ve been redeemed by His blood and are adopted into God’s family. This is an eternal inheritance that can’t be taken away by any romantic disappointment.
So yes, brothers, be nice to women. Be kind, patient, respectful, and genuinely loving. But also become a man of conviction. Develop courage. Take responsibility for your life. Learn to exercise wise leadership. Establish healthy boundaries and stop allowing the fear of rejection to control your decisions.
Become a godly man who treats women well because he loves Christ, and who can stand confidently in Christ even when a particular woman doesn’t love him back.
That’s the kind of man worth becoming.
Want to Grow as a Stronger Christian Man?
In my book, Warrior Disciple: Discipleship Manual for Men, I explore biblical manhood, spiritual discipline, leadership, relationships, and the concept of Interest Level in greater detail. The book is designed to help Christian men develop the character, conviction, and maturity necessary to follow Christ faithfully in every area of life.
Whether you’re single, dating, or married, the goal is the same: become a man who knows God’s Word, obeys Jesus Christ, and takes seriously the responsibilities God has entrusted to him.
